not the blog i thought i was going to write

i thought i was going to blog about crafts today. post pictures of my new earrings hanger, my dresser, my antique buys, etc.

but instead i am just frustrated/sad/bitter (aka sinning). it is times like these that make me remember why heaven will be paradise.

let me stop there. no one died, no one has cancer, i am being far more dramatic-sounding than what is really going on.

what's really going on is the reminder that this life does not satisfy. it is not stable or secure. i will never have a job, home, or future to bank on. things change as soon as you get comfortable and that is the only thing i am sure will stay the same.

but i'm glad to have this reminder of the promise of a perfect world. thank the lord that there is something better, and it turns out that that something is my HOME! how cool that the place i'm going to feel most care-free is not a vacation, but a permanent dwelling place where i am made to feel secure, taken care of, consistent love, and comfortability. praise.

on that note... i feel totally christian wifey right now. because hubzy and i had a wonderful prayer/scripture time tonight. so real and open. we hadn't really been that vulnerable in front of the Lord and each other at the same time. i want more of that in my life!

lastly... i'm sure hoping that i will have the dresser "reveal" to you sometime this weekend. yippee.

i'm going to sit back and enjoy my pumpkin pie candle and an episode of lie to me before bed time.

have a wonderful weekend!

(and blog all about it!)

:)

defining moment.

i have been so exhausted with my job lately. NOTE: i am not saying i dislike it, just tired because it is the busy season.

you know how it gets when you're tired. mole hills become mountains. accidents become tell-tale signs that you are a complete failure. everything seems wrong.

i was just discouraged. i had a meeting with my boss at the end of the day. it was one of those meetings you don't look forward to if you know what it's about. one where he has to let you know where you need to improve.

and i'm the type that boss man could say 50 great, encouraging things about me and one suggestion of improvement and all i remember is the area i am sucking in instead of the multiple areas i excel in.

but this time, the meeting turned into something unexpected. a beautiful affirmation of the Lord's molding of my life.

while having a hard time swallowing the words he was saying, i explained that i try to be really open to accountability and truth about where i need to change and grow.

"rebecca," my boss started. "i really appreciate your teachable spirit."

i've never heard that said about me. let me go back.

historically, i've been selfish, stubborn, ready to point out other's faults, not ready to accept my own.

one day (in my selfish insecurity) i wrote a list of qualities i wanted to have. characteristics that i wanted to be described as before i die.

there were several. and i kept adding desirable traits as i came across them. some i knew would never be me (a quiet spirit...hah!). many i knew i would gain if i was fervently seeking the Lord. the first on the list?  a teachable spirit.

what a cool moment of affirmation. it always seems more meaningful when someone else can affirm your growth. cool to realize that even when my relationship with the Lord isn't super FEELING oriented, He is REAL. He is WORKING. He is maturing me to COMPLETION.

thank you Lord for the encouragement. for unexpected words that come from unexpected people.

now... onto bed for another day at the ranch! :)

encouragement

what encourages me? truth. 

this is the bible study i just started with the camp girls. it focuses on idolatry and i can tel you what i've learned so far... idols are things/people that we CHOOSE; have the POWER to put in their place... on the pedestal and in a place of worship. its ironic how they end up taking away our power. or rather, masking the Lord's power that is in us. they make us forget that we have a choice in the matter. we feel enslaved to their false power.

while that sounds depressing, it is actually so encouraging! the truth sets you free  gives you hope that you're not the only one that is struggling! equips you to get through the rough spot. leads you to make the right decision. it is SO encouraging to be reminded of the Lord's will for your life.

i'm linking up here!

happy sunday...

but more importantly, happy birthday WEEK to TREV-TREV!

it's a new day!

today is the beginning of september!

this means:

-FALL (well kinda)

-beginning of our new budget (dave ramsey style, ya'll)

-beginning of my new eating and exercising habits

-bible study starts up again @ jill's 

-a super steady, super busy month at work (not as excited about that one)

-trevor's birthday!!

but lets get down to the nitty gritty. i am so excited about this month for 1 specific reason. OBEDIENCE.

in my life, my quiet times, by observations, i have learned so much about how my life reflects on my willingness to obey the Lord. the way i eat obsessively speaks of my self-discipline. the way i let our house get disgusting is a direct reflection of my heart. realizing all of these things has led to conviction, encouragement and challenge about this month.

be it our money, our food, time with each other... we are going to be obedient with it. everything i do is either obedient to the Lord or disobedient. this month, the rest of this year, i choose to live a life of obedience. of discipline the Lord has given to all who claim him as savior. i am beginning a journey i've set out on a thousand times, but failed. i will fail again. but this time, i am not giving up! my heart is connected. i'm init to win it! (to far? too cheesy? :) )

so... i am committing to have wednesday weigh in! WHOA. on the blog. WHOA. my eating change is not about losing tons of weight. but being disciplined in this area is bound to show itself on the scale. i won't be sharing my weight, but i can definitely share pounds lost! 

so. i am EXCITED about this month. it is the beginning! it's a new day! it is my january 1st! :) 

on another note.... i've been slowly working on photography logos. started out with asking a someone to create one over the summer but realizing that i know what i like and am not good at communicating it to other people! so i sat down and created my own. let me know which one you like! or if you have comments or suggestions. here we go!

see you around!

dirty.

no i'm not talking about the tv show weeds. although i love that show... i feel sinful for saying so.

i'm talking about my dishes. my floors. my home in general.

want to know what i used to eat cereal the other day?

an old dog bowl and a caphalon serving spoon (katy- one of the set you gave me for the wedding... thanks! we clearly put it to use!).

sick.

did i mention that i have zero clean eating utensils, plates, bowls, or cooking ware?

did i mention our counters are covered with dishes... no room to cook?

even though i homemade all of our dinners last week (no pizzas or lean cuisines! yay!) i still manage to fail as a wife. womp womp.

remember when i mentioned the serious marital post was to come soon? well, i might not be ready for that just yet. BUT. i'll give you a watered down version.

this is me being open and real honest. (mom... i know you cringe when i get too honest on my blog. sorry!)

i am rebellious to the core. i remember fighting with my parents and saying things to them that i could NEVER picture anyone else i know saying the same to their parents. i hear a rule and i immediately want to break it. i'm told TO DO something... i don't want to. i'm told NOT TO DO something, and all of the sudden i want to do it! unexplainable! i think satan has some sort of sick hold on my pride or something.

i have always been fiercely independent. i'm not scared of walking in the dark by myself. i enjoy the challenge of figuring out how to do something new all by myself. i embrace alone time and never have too much of it. those things are all fine and good, but i don't like structure, rules, or limitations. i don't enjoy obedience. this is my flesh. my flesh cannot win.

i'm exhausted of the way i treat my husband when i'm tired, when i disagree with him, or when i flat out just want to do life on my own. i'm angry that i've let this go on for so long! yes we've only been married 9 months... and much of that has been WONDERFUL. but the times i'm rebellious and disobedient... are not wonderful. and yes, i will always fail. and yes, i will never completely eliminate those times. but there is so much i CAN change by putting in a little effort.


so i think i need to head back to the basics. back to the passage of the bible that i got so sick of hearing in college and youth group. you know what i'm talking about. proverbs 31.


i get so intimidated (and annoyed) by the p31 woman. but i'm ready to lay down the pride and actually try to learn something from her. after all, she would never run out of clean spoons! :)

if anyone knows of any good p31 studies or devos... let a sistah know!

and just so we're clear... if this post sounds dramatic... that is NOT what i meant. serious, yes. dramatic, no. i love my hubz. he loves me. i want to honor him and the Lord more than i ever have. so, more than anything, this post about realization of wrongs and a spirit of change. and that is just plain good!

shining stars!

TRU Camp began today.

for those of you who don't already know... i work at a christian camp with my husband. we live here too! which means we are hardcore campers. but anyway. this week is TRU Camp which is a week where we scholarship 160ish kids whose parents have been incarcerated.

I. LOVE. BLACK. PEOPLE. i'm sure that is not "pc" to post all over the world wide web, but i don't care. one of my best friends in high school is black. my first kiss was a black boy. the blindside: a dream life. and i secretly always thought i would marry a black man and we would do inner city missions. um... here is a picture of my husband (on the left):



DISCLAIMER: this was for a themed white trash party. though he is an arkansasan... this is the ultimate extreme.

anyway. the point is i love this week of camp! and what makes this year different is that i was in charge of the logistics. mailing out applications, keeping track of all forms being turned in, accepting (and denying) spots to people. managing the 3 different check in locations, it was CRAZY.

but can i tell you HOW GOOD it was to put a face to the names i've been staring at for so long in an excel sheet?

i didn't do a good job at praying over them before they got here. at all. but seeing ja'juan after i'd seen his name forever just lit up my heart! i want to hang out with them all week! why can't i be a counselor again??? i freaking love this week. i like that there are girls here named Toyneshkia. i like that there are kids that are scared of fish eating them. i like that not a drop of water will be touched all week, but the koolaid will vanish instantly. i like the attitude. the fierceness. the "i'll do what i want"-ness. i can't relate to these kids in terms of life experience. but i can relate to the independence. the feeling that you have to be in control and no one can take that away from you. oh of course it is a lie from satan. we were never meant to be in control. but they don't know that yet. and i'm excited that this is the week they will learn that!

back to the point. i was stressed about today. that i would fail. that i would be unorganized and 50 kids would show up that i forgot about and they would have no cabin to go to. but that didn't happen! it went smoothly! i was encouraged and built up by my leadership and even applauded. they make me feel like i love my job. like i could conquer the world.

i realized sometimes (not all the time!) i am too hard on myself. when i am responsible for other people... i want perfection. i almost cried at the stupidest little thing that didn't go right today. but in the end it was good. i need to trust a little bit more. the lord totally works out all things whether or not i get everything right.

i read this passage today:
¹⁴Do everything without complaining or arguing, ¹⁵so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe ¹⁶as you hold out^[c] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. ¹⁷But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.
-Philippians 4 14-18


i am a freakin' star! well...i want to be. that's my hope for counselors this week. that they would not be tired and frustrated because camp is near the end... that they would hold out the word of life to these kids who need it most. so let's shine! come on people! :)


don't say i'm cheesy. don't even think about it. 

advice?

any tips on how to regulate a quiet time? i severely struggle with spending consistent (or even quasi-consistent) time with the Lord. and i'm kind of sick of it!

help? what do you do?

thinking. always thinking.

to be completely honest, i am writing a blog this morning in hopes that it will kind of count for journaling/time spent with God.

too far of a stretch?

but really...lately i have been thinking about the ever popular Christian question "what is God doing in your life?" 

well... i think i have an answer. i've been i a state of reflection, thinking, processing, and realization. so here is what i've come up with.

• how the crap did i land here? it occurred to me the other day that i am living my dream. what did i want to be when i grew up? a camp counselor. seriously. and i wanted to meet my husband at a camp. and i wanted to then work together at a camp. after i graduated college. HOW, LORD, DID YOU DECIDE TO BLESS ME LIKE THIS? when is life ever always what you dreamed it to be and more? it is for me right now. i am living what i've always dreamed about and so, So, SO thankful for the Lord listening to the desires of my heart, knowing them so well, and choosing to give abundantly like he always does.
• personality characteristics. i am boooold. i am loud. and man, sometimes i am RUDE. and that probably ain't gonna change completely. however. the past few years here at sky ranch, i've changed. it's scary to admit that because its like inviting people to watch you until you mess up and act just like the self you have tried so desperately to grow away from. but i will say it again. i have changed. sky ranch and the people here and the ministry philosophy here has taught me more about grace, patience, and love than i realized. and now that i realize that, i also realize that it is okay to be bold. to be real. to call out what needs to be called out in people. but the Lord intended for those things to happen in small doses, enveloped in larger quantities of grace, patience, and love. i've always known that, but maybe i'm beginning to understand what it means to BE that.
• obey. the BIGGEST, HUGEST, GIGANTICEST thing i am learning is about obedience. i'm realizing that there are things i my life that i am addicted to. (nothing dramatic like drugs or alcohol or anything sexual...come on now) and i mean addiction, in that i never say no to those things, never abstain, always act impusively, and never think. and the Lord has showed me several truths about the way i am acting
• IDOLATRY. i struggle with putting this part of my life before God... in that i think about it more, say "yes" to it more, and submit to the poisonous influence it has on my life so easily.
• MAKING CHOICES. i'm not thinking. i'm just acting. to me, that sounds dangerous. i realize that in not just this area, but all areas of my life, i am super impulsive. i.e. - not self control/discipline. and i am sick of not experiencing that fruit of the spirit.
• OBEDIENCE. ultimately, every time i choose something i "can't say no to", it is just flat out disobedience. i should have no other God's before my God. but sometimes i do. and realizing that giving in to something that has such a powerful hold on me is so disappointing and dishonoring to my father and creator... it is sickening

SO this summer will be different. i really am going to have a be*volution of my own. i'm going to rebel about my fleshly thoughts of who i should be or who satan in luring me to be, and embrace who i was created to be. a bold, honest woman of grace and patience. a woman of self discipline who aptly obeys her father. a strong oak that does not bend or break when the storm of temptation comes. 

i'm so not there yet... i'll never be "there" but i have goals. i will leave the summer changed... mentally and physically! i've always been to scared to set goals (As my mom can testify. she made a powerpoint presentation for her law school students about the importance of setting goals...she tried to make me watch it all 4 years of high school... i stood strong and refused). but i'm ready. i'm ready to allow of to continue maturing me, instead of constantly putting up a fight.

so these are my ramblings. sometimes about crafts, or friends, or food. this time... about thanking God for showing me the direction he is taking me and asking me to get on board with the plan and join in the adventure.

STAFF TRAINING

...is sucking my life away! love meeting the counselors and teaching classes and hanging out, but when you come fresh off of working an 8-5 day... it is pretty intense! so i probably won't be blogging much til the end of may! 


and on a less enthusiastic, but very blunt note:


 i just want to say that i have a SEVERE pride issue and am hoping that this summer will be a revolutionary summer that knocks that down. i am praying that the Lord will break me of some of my bitterness and resentment i have built up against those who i never found time to forgive. 


i am praying for the desire to desire to change and grow. 


i am crying out for the determination to consistently, genuinely seek the Lord and his purpose for my heart.


i am trusting in the Lord's response to my immaturity and need for growth and wisdom.


i am believing in a work carried onto completion.


this is not to be dramatic. but authentic. i had a conversation today with someone who is confused about their position for the summer. but she was SO genuine about where she was that it encouraged and refreshed me. she told me her honest feeling in a way that can, at times, walk a fine line between negativity and "being real". but this time, it was REAL. her honesty was so refreshing and energizing.


i am to honest to probably ever be considered refreshing. but in the spirit of keeping it real, i am totally struggling with pride. and i would love your prayers and accountability as i (finally) begin to battle against it.

what? the weekend is over already?

seriously?

i'm convinced adding one more day to the weekend would give me enough rest to return to work monday morning and i would never ever complain about it being too short again!!!

soooooo. this weekend was super exciting and full of stuff! Series of events:

1. friday night i get off work, say goodbye to trev-trev (he went to arkansas and then straight to the cave springs camp in OK... he'll be gone til wednesday...sad face) and hit the road to the brothel (our fond nickname for our house, NOT for the implied slutiness, but because last semester, there were 5 girls living in the 4 bedroom house which is legally classified as a brothel in BCS). i walked into the house and saw lots of boys. not what i was expecting...being that girls lived here....but oh well. next, lauren, carly, and april and I made our reunion. all that was missing was assison! (and yes, i mean allison) :)

2. that night we had a reunion with the G manor, aka... bill howard.... and then i got tired and went to bed...

3. SATURDAY: took pictures of april for my benefit and also to use for the world race support letters she'll be sending out. what is the world race? http://theworldrace.org/ <--there it is!! that was super fun. and then we got prepared for the BIG EVENT: Carly McKnight and James Smith's ENGAGEMENT! he proposed at the george bush library pond and then took carly back to the brothel for a successful surprise party! it was great seeing them excited with family and friends. 4. round 2 of bill's house hangout later that night. i only have one phrase to say about that: lauren whisenant in the trunk. 5. Sunday Funday: carlly and james engagement pictures: be on the lookout... they'll be making their debut here and in the facebook world. then i saw my good friend for lunch. she challenged me and encouraged me with her faith. EB (as i call her and she doesn't like any more.. get over it) was a 2-3 month old christian when i met her at sky ranch as my co-counselor. hopefully she won't mind if i share that in the span of a year and a half she went from trying really hard to not cuss in front of the kids to accidentally saying crap at lunch yesterday and quickly picking another, less offensive word to express herself. for real.

um... i've been a christian 18 years, and you will still catch me unashamedly tossing a few curse words around. not that one's christianity is measured by how often you cuss. in fact, sometimes i don't think God even cares. but the point is... this girl has CHANGED. she is an obvious case of GROWTH, God's FAITHFULNESS, and PERSEVERANCE. the things she has learned and now puts into practice very well might out number everything i've learned in 18 years. my purpose in this is not to inflate her ego while decimating my own, but to really find hope in her story. when passion consumes you... you look different, you act different... when you choose over and over again the things of the Lord, life changes pretty quickly for you and soon just living life is your way of boldly sharing the gospel.

i love it. this woman is such an inspiration. i think it is easy to see wonderful things in people and immediately covet them. become bitter or jealous and not see them as inspiring. i also think that mindest is of satan. so i am casting satan out as i honor the obvious godliness of this woman. and share that i too want an intimacy with the Lord that radiates so brilliantly.

maybe i've gotten over the wonder of the cross. but i've been reminded of the lord's loving-kindness. as i study the book of esther and search out evidence of the lord's providence in plans and people, i'm reminded of this incredible God who chose me and just asks that i choose him too.

thats all for now. PICTURES next time! :)

my perfect world of imperfection

okay. as an avid blog peruser, i've come to the conclusion that everyone's life is perfect. ignore for a second that i'm being a debbie downer or negative and seemingly complaining... i just want to point out the fact that if all you know about someone is what you read on their blog, you probably would assume that they are golden people that never get sick, never have fights with their husbands or children (or God), don't have the trendiest or cutest clothes, and are 100% excellent at crafts, baking, cooking, and decorating (add in photography or wedding planning if you would like).

ew. i put a sarcastic tone in this blog. sorry. it was just supposed to be an observation... but anyway. in the spirit of keeping things real (because the fact is.. i want to be that person with the perfect family who is good at baking and such), i will now reveal some things that i'm not good at and parts of my life i don't have all together.

1. singing. humming. whistling (i can't). basically...i cannot make beautiful noise (even my talking is loud and obnoxious!) unless your ears are God's. (if you would like to pray for the ears of the Lord, i am not opposed...)

2. i don't get a lot of mail. when you work permanently at a summer camp, there is a lingering mindset that you should still be getting mail from friends. well, i don't. and it's totally fine... i'm not complaining. i am however acknowledging the fact that people who don't work here anymore get more mail than i do. it's okay, i like to say its the quality, not the quantity! :) and the fact that due to graduation, birthday, and a wedding... i'm still getting some moolah sent to me, and you can't complain about that!

3. i'm not good at saving money and clipping coupons. i want so badly to be dave ramsey! or some one who can buy a house in cash! or someone who can spend 30 bucks at the grocery store and buy a month's worth of food. man. i am impulse buyer extraordinaire. in fact, right now things i want but shouldn't afford are a return address stamp, photoshop, an external harddrive, a body wave, 3 pairs of new pants, a guest bedframe, etc...

4. many times i don't feel intimate enough with the Lord to extoll it from the rooftops. it's because i'm not seeking him, or "life's not always lived on the mountaintop"or something else, yadda yadda yadda. just know that i won't always be the one blogging about my bible study that day. hope that doesn't make me less of a christian. but if you want to pray for more consistent intimacy in our relationship... i'll never be opposed to that either! :)

5. i'm uber selfish. i don't thank my husband enough for putting up with half the crap that he does. i never want to admit i'm wrong. i am lucky beyond all get out that i married someone with such commitment and determination. not to make him seem perfect, he's not. and i'm wayyy wayyyyyyy not. and he still falls asleep next to me every night. it is an enigma to me that God so awesomely engrained in him the qualities my selfishness would demand. like patience.

i guess that's why we tend to make our lives seem perfect... because through all the crap, and uncomfortable situations, and inabilities we were born with, somehow the goodness of God and of life tend to overshadow those negative aspects. it overwhelms the bummers of life and eventually we forget about them and the good sticksout i our mind. it overcomes the bad days, moments, and situations and reminds us that imperfection is probably better than a perfect life... if you don't know the depths, you can never experience the heights. right? i don't know... maybe that's dumb...

anywhoo...if you haven't seen my wedding pictures (and you like that sort of thing...) you need to go check them out on facebook! because even though it rained (and stormed) on our wedding day... it was the best day ever! now isn't that a perfect analagy for what i've been blogging about? :D ha.

THE ENDDDDD! PROMISE: next blog... will be way more light hearted! deal?