dirty.

no i'm not talking about the tv show weeds. although i love that show... i feel sinful for saying so.

i'm talking about my dishes. my floors. my home in general.

want to know what i used to eat cereal the other day?

an old dog bowl and a caphalon serving spoon (katy- one of the set you gave me for the wedding... thanks! we clearly put it to use!).

sick.

did i mention that i have zero clean eating utensils, plates, bowls, or cooking ware?

did i mention our counters are covered with dishes... no room to cook?

even though i homemade all of our dinners last week (no pizzas or lean cuisines! yay!) i still manage to fail as a wife. womp womp.

remember when i mentioned the serious marital post was to come soon? well, i might not be ready for that just yet. BUT. i'll give you a watered down version.

this is me being open and real honest. (mom... i know you cringe when i get too honest on my blog. sorry!)

i am rebellious to the core. i remember fighting with my parents and saying things to them that i could NEVER picture anyone else i know saying the same to their parents. i hear a rule and i immediately want to break it. i'm told TO DO something... i don't want to. i'm told NOT TO DO something, and all of the sudden i want to do it! unexplainable! i think satan has some sort of sick hold on my pride or something.

i have always been fiercely independent. i'm not scared of walking in the dark by myself. i enjoy the challenge of figuring out how to do something new all by myself. i embrace alone time and never have too much of it. those things are all fine and good, but i don't like structure, rules, or limitations. i don't enjoy obedience. this is my flesh. my flesh cannot win.

i'm exhausted of the way i treat my husband when i'm tired, when i disagree with him, or when i flat out just want to do life on my own. i'm angry that i've let this go on for so long! yes we've only been married 9 months... and much of that has been WONDERFUL. but the times i'm rebellious and disobedient... are not wonderful. and yes, i will always fail. and yes, i will never completely eliminate those times. but there is so much i CAN change by putting in a little effort.


so i think i need to head back to the basics. back to the passage of the bible that i got so sick of hearing in college and youth group. you know what i'm talking about. proverbs 31.


i get so intimidated (and annoyed) by the p31 woman. but i'm ready to lay down the pride and actually try to learn something from her. after all, she would never run out of clean spoons! :)

if anyone knows of any good p31 studies or devos... let a sistah know!

and just so we're clear... if this post sounds dramatic... that is NOT what i meant. serious, yes. dramatic, no. i love my hubz. he loves me. i want to honor him and the Lord more than i ever have. so, more than anything, this post about realization of wrongs and a spirit of change. and that is just plain good!