thinking. always thinking.

to be completely honest, i am writing a blog this morning in hopes that it will kind of count for journaling/time spent with God.

too far of a stretch?

but really...lately i have been thinking about the ever popular Christian question "what is God doing in your life?" 

well... i think i have an answer. i've been i a state of reflection, thinking, processing, and realization. so here is what i've come up with.

• how the crap did i land here? it occurred to me the other day that i am living my dream. what did i want to be when i grew up? a camp counselor. seriously. and i wanted to meet my husband at a camp. and i wanted to then work together at a camp. after i graduated college. HOW, LORD, DID YOU DECIDE TO BLESS ME LIKE THIS? when is life ever always what you dreamed it to be and more? it is for me right now. i am living what i've always dreamed about and so, So, SO thankful for the Lord listening to the desires of my heart, knowing them so well, and choosing to give abundantly like he always does.
• personality characteristics. i am boooold. i am loud. and man, sometimes i am RUDE. and that probably ain't gonna change completely. however. the past few years here at sky ranch, i've changed. it's scary to admit that because its like inviting people to watch you until you mess up and act just like the self you have tried so desperately to grow away from. but i will say it again. i have changed. sky ranch and the people here and the ministry philosophy here has taught me more about grace, patience, and love than i realized. and now that i realize that, i also realize that it is okay to be bold. to be real. to call out what needs to be called out in people. but the Lord intended for those things to happen in small doses, enveloped in larger quantities of grace, patience, and love. i've always known that, but maybe i'm beginning to understand what it means to BE that.
• obey. the BIGGEST, HUGEST, GIGANTICEST thing i am learning is about obedience. i'm realizing that there are things i my life that i am addicted to. (nothing dramatic like drugs or alcohol or anything sexual...come on now) and i mean addiction, in that i never say no to those things, never abstain, always act impusively, and never think. and the Lord has showed me several truths about the way i am acting
• IDOLATRY. i struggle with putting this part of my life before God... in that i think about it more, say "yes" to it more, and submit to the poisonous influence it has on my life so easily.
• MAKING CHOICES. i'm not thinking. i'm just acting. to me, that sounds dangerous. i realize that in not just this area, but all areas of my life, i am super impulsive. i.e. - not self control/discipline. and i am sick of not experiencing that fruit of the spirit.
• OBEDIENCE. ultimately, every time i choose something i "can't say no to", it is just flat out disobedience. i should have no other God's before my God. but sometimes i do. and realizing that giving in to something that has such a powerful hold on me is so disappointing and dishonoring to my father and creator... it is sickening

SO this summer will be different. i really am going to have a be*volution of my own. i'm going to rebel about my fleshly thoughts of who i should be or who satan in luring me to be, and embrace who i was created to be. a bold, honest woman of grace and patience. a woman of self discipline who aptly obeys her father. a strong oak that does not bend or break when the storm of temptation comes. 

i'm so not there yet... i'll never be "there" but i have goals. i will leave the summer changed... mentally and physically! i've always been to scared to set goals (As my mom can testify. she made a powerpoint presentation for her law school students about the importance of setting goals...she tried to make me watch it all 4 years of high school... i stood strong and refused). but i'm ready. i'm ready to allow of to continue maturing me, instead of constantly putting up a fight.

so these are my ramblings. sometimes about crafts, or friends, or food. this time... about thanking God for showing me the direction he is taking me and asking me to get on board with the plan and join in the adventure.